Grandparents sometimes wonder at what age their grandchildren may lose interest in them. This phenomenon varies from child to child and family to family, but it mimics what many parents experience as their kids gain autonomy and get increasingly interested in their friends. Many kids start drifting away from their grandparents starting around age 10 into their teen years.
But there are things you can do to keep your grandparent-grandchild relationship solid, even over time. Social psychologistsMerril Silverstein and Vern L. Bengtson, among others, have studied the concept that they call "intergenerational solidarity," in which they identified six key factors influencing this "solidarity" or relationship closeness.
While family dynamics are complex, understanding these solidarity factors can help you foster a closeness with your grandchild that's more likely to last. Here's what to know.
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Physical Proximity to Grandchildren
Not surprisingly, geographic closeness is one of the strongest predictors of a closerelationship between grandparents and grandchildren.If living close to grandchildren isn't possible, frequent visits are another way to develop physical closeness.
The Role of Technology
Although there is no substitute for face-to-face interaction, technology has made it easier to build a relationship with grandchildren across the miles.Many grandparents visit with their grandchildren daily or weekly viaFaceTime, Skype, or other video chat platforms.
Older grandchildren are also often appreciative of periodic text messages just to let them know you're thinking of them. The bottom line is that loving grandparents can find a way to bridge the distance, even if they can't be there in person.
Frequency of Contact With Grandchildren
Perhaps unsurprisingly, grandparents who stay in contact with their grandchildren have closer relationships. Whether that contact is in person, over video chat, or even email, text, or good old-fashioned letters, how often grandparents reach out and connect with their grandkids factors into their closeness.
Grandparents' Role in the Family
When grandparents providechild care for grandchildrenor become actual or surrogate parents to their grandchildren, they have a greater-than-average opportunity to bond.Some grandparents may take more of a parental role rather than functioning as a typical grandparent.
Interestingly, research shows that the regularpresenceof grandparents results in closeness, rather than the specific functions that the grandparent performs.So whether you are a grandparent who is a guardian to your grandchildren, babysits them, mainly plays with them, or takes them on outings, you can be close to your grandchildren.
Family Expectations
Studies show that families that expect strong relationships between the generations are more likely to have them. That's because children are taught from an early age that family members share obligations to each other. Those obligations may include caregiving for children or older family members, financial assistance, and general sharing of tasks. And the assistance flows in both directions—from younger to older and from older to younger.
Families with this type of culture are more likely to demonstrate strong grandparent-grandchild bonds than families where individuality and independence top the list of values. These familiesare also more likely to adopt practices that keep extended families close,such as regularly sharing meals.
Emotional Bonding
Although grandparents and grandchildren often report mutual closeness, grandparents may report a greater degree of closeness than the younger generation. Children are often closest to their parents and siblings as opposed to their grandparents, but this dynamic varies among families. As children grow, their circles enlarge, and their peers become vitally important to them, which makes grandparents further displaced.
Grandparents, on the other hand, often live in a world of shrinking social circles as their peers and older relatives pass away, move away, or experience serious health issues. Their children and grandchildren may come to occupy a larger space in their lives.
What is important, however, is that grandparents who establish early emotional bonds with grandchildren will find that those bonds last.Strong emotional bonds usually survive the passage of time and the many changes that both generations go through. Research also shows that the middle generation is vital in determining closeness. When grandparents and their adult children are close, closeness with grandchildren tends to come more naturally and easily.
Reaching a Consensus on Values
Grandchildren often get their early values from parents and grandparents. As they mature, however, they are more likely to develop their own set of values. Families are closest when they share values, but few families will ever be in total agreement across generations. Nor should they be—we learn from listening to different perspectives. Of course, extreme differences can breed discord.
Researchers say a generation gap sometimes develops when younger generations find older generations lacking in social tolerance and even prone to hypocrisy. Grandparents certainly do not need to abandon their values and standards, but a willingness to listen to the younger generation can go a long way.
